• "The typical Onion reader tends to be an almost insufferably literate and unbearably thoughtful type, the sort of person whose emotional shortcomings render them unable to face the world without filtering it through a veil of sarcasm. These spiritual cripples refer to this escapist defense mechanism as a “sense of humor,” and if they were not willing to throw money around with remarkable abandon, they would be utterly useless. If that describes the average citizen of your almost intolerably vibrant community, you now have a chance to bleed them of cash until they are dried and withered hipster husks."