I was going to do a scorecard of the March filler premieres, the way I did for the fall and winter shows. I even took the time to watch them all. The problem came when I sat down to start writing about them: after I filled in the “formula” line for each show I watched, there was nothing left to say. At all. These new shows are so insubstantial, they have insidiously defeated my attempts at pithy reductionism by perfectly fitting them. I wasn’t expecting much: this is late-season filler, after all. I was hoping, however, that there might be a non-sucky surprise like Medium out there.

No such luck. What do we get instead? Blind guys with guns (Blind Justice); a Benny Hill/Laugh-In throwback (Kelsey Grammer Presents: The Sketch Show); America’s Next Top Model for WB teen shows (The Starlet); America’s Next Top Model for boxers (The Contender); A boy-centric Sex and the City (Jake in Progress); hard-working interns (Grey’s Anatomy); another NBC adaptation of a British sitcom (The Office); and yet another Law & Order spinoff (Trial by Jury).

The worst thing about this mediocre crop is that some good actors are being wasted on bad shows. Normally, the news that Bebe Neuwirth and Candice Bergen are going to be on a show together would make me jump up and down with joy, but I just can’t rouse myself to watch any more of Dick Wolf’s take on the “justice” system. Wendie Malick and John Stamos are more likable than their resumes would suggest, but Jake in Progress is still just empty Seinfeldian chatter. And not even the presence of the amazing Sandra Oh (whom I have adored since Double Happiness, a movie that is to neurotic second-generation Asian-Americans what Easy Rider was to stoned baby boomers) can save Grey’s Anatomy from being yet another tired medical drama.

So now I’m just sitting around, sending scratched Alias DVDs back to Netflix (oy) and waiting for Veronica Mars and Lost to get back from hiatus so that I have something decent to watch. What’s that you say? Spring has sprung and it’s gorgeous and warm out and I should go for a walk? Pshaw. If things get really bad, there are always Buffy reruns.