I got together with some friends last night to eat, drink, and watch election results trickle in. Here are some random notes I took in between beers:

At one point, CBS puts up pie charts showing demographic breakdowns in Ohio exit polls, like “Young Voters” and “Catholic Voters.” S: “What about Satanic Voters?”

M: “Apparently, John Edwards is much more handsome in person.” S: “He’s a hottie.” A: “The sexier a president, the more likely he’ll be shot. Actually, I don’t think Garfield was that sexy.”

Tom Brokaw: “We’re calling Missouri for Bush… remember, his Attorney General is from that state.” A: “And lost his Senate seat to a dead man!”

Too-Thin Female Correspondent #72 reports from the field. K: “Do you think she’s anorexic?” P: “I think she’s dead.”

Obama! Obama! We only have a little more time to love Barak Obama before he moves into the smallest office in the Capitol and gets shafted on committee placements. Make the most of it.

Talking Head #349: “What do you think of when you think of Florida?” Everyone starts shouting at the TV: “Natural disasters!” “Disneyworld!” “Gatorland!” “Crockett and Tubbs!”

Wolf Blitzer runs back and forth in front of CNN’s big bank of video monitors. K: “He’s hollering.” A: “Wolf Blitzer has no indoor voice.”

CNN seemed to expend a lot of energy last night on hating Nader, despite his complete insignificance in this election. Larry King (who constantly irritated the other commentators with his ignorance of, well, everything) made sure to mention his stroke and recount a few oh-that-crazy-Ralph stories.

Talking Head #486: “Vermont, home of Ben & Jerry’s, the politically correct ice cream.”

V: “James Carville will be played by John Malkovich.” Me: “He’ll play John Malkovich in Being John Malkovich 2: The Malkoviching.”

Someone notes that the gaunt Judy Woodruff has made an especially inane statement. M: “Well, look at her, she’s clearly malnourished.”

Tucker Carlson: “The Republicans spent twelve years in the wilderness [after Goldwater lost to Johnson], and it was productive, they came out of it with –” A: “Bow ties!”

Someone takes the remote and flips to TBS, which is showing that one Zorro movie with Antonio Banderas in it. K: “This is what the election should look like.”

Denny Hastert mumbles on CNN. V: “They just need to dub in some Jabba the Hutt sounds for him.”

Dan Rather: “There’s no way Kerry can win if he doesn’t win Ohio. We keep saying this because it’s important.” P: “You keep saying it because dead air is bad.”

A few more Rather-riffic lines:

  • “Ohio. Ohio. Ohio. Ohio. Say it ten times…”
  • “This situation in OH would give an asprin a headache….”
  • “These are the kinds of nights that give campaign managers a case of the hives… s’one reason so many of them drink a lot.”
  • “If this gets any closer, somebody’s gonna have to call 911…”

What did we learn this evening? It’s really hard to unseat an incumbent president in the middle of an artificially protracted war; eleven states don’t like the idea of same-sex marriage; and Rather, Brokaw, and Jennings are getting a little closer to retirement every day.