At Andy’s latest Rubber Lizard Night, Godzilla got top billing, as is de rigueur. The real star of the evening, however, was “the image” of Bruce Lee, in an animated vehicle called Chinese Gods. Why this movie isn’t a stoner classic, I don’t know. Maybe I’m not stoned enough.

The quality of animation ranges from execrable to incomprehensible. Apparently, people in ancient China didn’t have any bones, because the characters here have a tendency to melt and warp in disturbing ways. The images move at exactly one speed, whether the action is meant to be in slow motion or top speed. This film belongs in a special category with the animated short from the Star Wars Holiday Special.

I suspect that if I knew more Chinese folklore and mythology, the characters would make at least a little sense. The cloud-riding, shapeshifting Bruce Lee character is vaguely reminiscent of the Monkey King, and I suspect that some of the other minor gods wandering around in this film would be recognizable to someone who knew a little about this sort of thing. Sadly, I am not that person.

All I could see was a series of images that would make Ralph Bakshi or Roger Waters shake his head. Like when they set a demon woman on fire and watch her writhe in the flames for a while before turning into an evil flesh-eating onion. Or the minister who cuts his own heart out and carries it around with him for a while before having it stolen. Or the mind-numbing quantity of tonsil-shots, shown every single time anyone screams, which is often.

If you’re really curious, you can get the movie on DVD. It may melt your TV, though. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.